I walked along the outline of our property. It was over ninety degrees, but I didn’t feel the harshness of the sun because I was under the cool shade of the trees that line our creek. I could walk for at least fifteen minutes before I would hit the area where there is no relief. I looked at the ground and saw the shadows of the trees shifting slightly in from the breeze. That was my path. Once in a while, there was a small break in the line of shadows, but there was always more shade coming.

In the same way, I find the Lord’s relentless love, grace, and mercy in my life a relief. I am constantly replenished under the shadow of His wings. There is no place I can go while I am in Him that I do not receive more of His great care for my soul. Unlike humans, the Lord never holds back. He never withholds. I found myself truly thankful for that as I walked in the shade a few days ago.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” -James 1:17

I think I’m so terribly thankful for that because I’ve witnessed and experienced withholding. I’m sure you have as well. Perhaps a friend gets upset and withholds words or eye contact. Something that simple can be heartbreaking. I’ve seen brothers and sisters in Christ withhold a smile, service, fellowship, and even giving to the Lord in order to make a statement or to communicate displeasure about something. I’ve witnessed times when much-needed encouragement should have or could have been given, but it was withheld. I’ve seen hellos, goodbyes, confessions, apologies, and forgiveness withheld. I’ve seen a hug and an “I love you, too” withheld.

Withholding is a common response in relationships and a widely used tactic used to communicate with others. It’s become especially accepted and normal in our “cancel” culture. We chalk it up to, “It’s just what people do when they’re upset.” It has found it’s way into my own arsenal of communication and so, I want to consider it for myself this week.

Because I’m convinced that withholding is not biblical or Christ-like, and it’s especially not becoming of someone who calls themselves a follower of Christ.

Whether we realize it or not, withholding is a type of manipulation that’s often motivated by two goals: to punish the other person or to maintain the upper hand. People who emotionally withhold are purposely withholding love, affection, support, and attention in order to control a relationship. It is also possible to withhold for other reasons, perhaps to protect oneself. That kind of withholding is more complicated and is not the kind of withholding I’m talking about in this post. Withholding part of yourself as protection could be something we need healing for. Only you know if your withholding is being done to protect yourself in an unsafe relationship or because of a past unsafe relationship…or if it’s being done to control or manipulate others.

As a Christian, it is important for me to realize how damaging it is to utilize a tactic of withholding in order to manipulate people or a situation because it goes against so much of what Christ is for us and so much of what He wanted for us. He gave Himself for us to give us life. Our withholding from each other is the opposite. Taking ourselves away from others who we are supposed to love ends up taking some life from them. Some of Jesus’ final prayers for His disciples reflected a deep longing for His people to be united. Yet, when His followers withhold, they erect walls that are a detriment to unity. Our enemy wants nothing more than to see those who call themselves Christ-followers withholding themselves from the Lord and from one another. Division and withholding in the body of Christ could even be an ultimate stain on the Church that Jesus gave Himself up for, couldn’t it? For sure, it does not honor the Lord and must grieve Him.

When I see withholding for what it is because I’m being hurt by it or because I think Jesus is grieved by it, I have to ask myself a new question:

Am I withholding? Have I withheld? DO I use withholding to manipulate people I love? Because as much as I hate to see others do it, I need to hate it even more when and if I do it. Do I hate this sin when I do it as much as I hate it when others do it?

Withholding may be due to a deep hurt that we haven’t found words for, but it’s important to try and find the root of our withholding. And if we find that we’re withholding, we must turn away from it.

If you find that withholding is a common practice for you, there is one who can heal you from that practice. The Lord Jesus Himself. He is the only One Who can forgive and make us more like Himself. He is a True Giver, Lover, Provider, and Friend. He died for that sin, and if you are trusting in Him, it has been nailed to the cross like all the others.

Maybe you will find that you don’t practice this habitually, but perhaps it is a tactic you pull out and use from time to time. I don’t like it, but I believe I am capable of this. Perhaps I don’t use it for long, but I may use it for a moment in a moment.

Regardless of when or how often it is used, withholding isn’t becoming of a follower of Christ.

What shall we do then if we find that have withheld love and affection for those who we are called to be in a relationship with?

If and when we see that we are withholding, we should turn away from it, ask the Lord who does not withhold to help us in our struggle, and then take time to meditate on His Word.

I find that when I see something I love about the Lord that I lack, it helps to meditate on those ways of the Lord and pray that He will produce those same things in me.

Do you have a helpful scripture that reflects the opposite of withholding? Scriptures on God’s abundant provision are helpful to me. Here are some I found recently:

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:19

“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” – 2 Corinthians 9:8

” And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion, and sin.” – Exodus 34:6-7

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

Because we have been given so much, how can we continue to give ourselves over to withholding? Let’s give of ourselves generously to all those who God has allowed us to be in relationship with and ask our generous Lord to help us in that.

If you would like more questions to ask yourself and others, sign up for my newsletter below and you’ll receive a free booklet I’ve put together called Asking Is Loving as well as a free course on being transformed by God’s Word called Empowered By Truth.

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