This carousel at the St. Louis zoo always makes me dizzy. Not unlike how I feel in life. Days rushing by like everything around this ride.
Colors and lights blurring past me like the years that have passed since the carousel’s first use in the 1904 World’s Fair.
Sometimes as the days, months and years pass I can catch a glimpse of what my aching heart longs for.
Love.
Jesus.
My loved ones.
The church.
The last months have felt like this.
I tried to take a picture of my children on the zoo train. The pictures capture them peaceful with the world rushing by them.
These are pictures I’ve taken over the past month. How I’ve longed during this time to slow down life to keep it from rushing away. And how I longed for that yesterday after my trip to the library.
I thought I could quickly run into the library to grab one book and go on with my day.
As I waited, I looked at the obituaries as usual. The 4 1/4 by 5 1/2 inch slips of white paper printed in black ink sit on counters throughout town. You can find them in the library, pharmacy and grocery store. It is a way our small town finds out about each other’s life spans. Wondering if I’d see a familiar name, I slowed down for a moment to read.
My heart stopped. There she was. The name I had just moved that morning on my planner. Moved to next week because there wasn’t time. And now there will never be time.
Would patience have made a difference in this one?
With eyes welling up, I took the books and got in my car. I thought of the quote I had read earlier that day.
“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty,
to carry within oneself the unanswered question,
lifting the heart to God about it
whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.”
~ Elisabeth Elliot
I’ve been thinking about patience lately. Why is it painful to wait or act with patience. Because it can be both. Patience can be doing or it can be waiting.
It can feel painful to wait on God in the moments when I want to handle things my way. In the frustrating moments of parenting that require yielding and waiting instead of….acting in anger. In situations where I want to set things right but, to do so, would be sinful.
I also find it painful to love and serve when I’m in a hurry or feeling busy and weighed down with life. It requires patience to set aside the circumstances pressing in and to slow down and be intentional in order to truly love people.
I even found myself thinking just this morning that an old hymn was going too painstakingly slow. I caught myself feeling too anxious about the tempo to give myself over to worship and loving the Lord with all of my heart?
Why not slow down?
And maybe, maybe I wasn’t patient enough to see that slowing down to visit my old neighbor was worthy of my time.
I had to keep moving on from the library. There were children to take to a balloon race. We got there when the teams were supposed to be filling the balloons but we waited for an hour or more. Another chance for patience. I looked at my dad’s watch and then movement on the field began. Men and women tugged and pulled with all of their weight to move balloons or to keep them from moving. I couldn’t tell. I thought of me and my desire to slow this life down. That is what it feels like sometimes. Using all of me to keep this life from flying away. Or am I actually using all of my strength to keep things moving? I can’t tell.
And in the midst of trying to slow this all down, there is the desire for patience.
Waiting or acting in patience, it makes me feel as if something inside me is tearing away. Perhaps it truly is a dying to myself. I’ve always wondered why but this week that above quote gave me a glimpse into why. Waiting on God requires a willlingness to bear. Bear uncertainty. Bear a change in my own way, my own plans. It requires a willingness to carry a burden. It requires some mental ascent to God that He is in control, not me. It takes mind work, heart work and, sometimes, physical work.
I was told, “It’s OK…you loved her when you had the chance. She knew you cared.” I want to be painfully honest with myself, though.
Every week is busy so how and when do I get to the point of laying it all down and doing what this one life is really all about?
Patience, love, self-control…all fruit of the Spirit. I could just say that the Spirit wasn’t moving. Or…I didn’t love another when I could’ve or should’ve and confess that and be done with it. But I also want to process this so that I grow from here if needed.
Should we ever stop growing in Christ?
In order for the fruit to be produced, I must yield to the Spirit. I must cooperate. And perhaps, by being too busy, I close myself off to some of the live-giving fruit.
I’m processing today whether or not what I’m busy with is truly what God wants me to be busy with.
I don’t have a solution yet to the busyness challenge. I just know some truths.
That the Lord provides the fruit of the Spirit.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galations 5:22-24
That I am a new creation with new desires. The desire to slow down in order to love others well is a good and godly one.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” -2 Corinthians 5:17
He works in me powerfully as I yield to Him.
“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” -Philippians 2:12-13
I trust that the Lord will continue to work in my heart to make my priorities His. I trust in His grace to cover all that I do that I shouldn’t and all that I don’t do that I should. I trust that when I see sin or lacking on my part, His perfection is all the more beautiful. And I trust that He can enable me to do all that He calls me to do to fulfill His good purpose.
I write this as a tribute to the one I didn’t make time to visit in the end. I’m glad I made time in the past. I was blessed when I yielded to the nudges of the Spirit to stop by with two busy little ones to let them crawl around the pond and feed the fish while we talked. I’m glad I took time at one time to know her and she me. I’m thankful for the meals together and the gifts she gave. I learned that not everyone who has received much sadness and loss in life ends up bitter. That one can get through life with patience not only in the busy times but also the slow and painful times. In fact, some end up with a special twinkle in their eyes and a smile for everyone else. After losing all who she cared most about, she was still able to love others well.
Once, upon returning from a scary trip to the hospital, we discussed death. I asked her THE question. The question I had learned to ask in Evangelism Explosion training. I asked her how she would’ve responded if she would’ve died and God asked her, “Why should I let you into my heaven?” I was blessed to hear her say, “I guess it wasn’t because of anything I did.” Then she gave me a smile with a twinkle in her eye.
And I guess as I remember my friend, I should remember that the same holds true for me and for all of us in Christ. Jesus IS perfect. Perfectly patient and loving. In the end, it won’t be about how perfect I was, but about how perfect He was and that I trusted in that.
Linking up with these ladies this week:
Thank you, Amy, for how transparent you are with your feelings. It helps me to look more honestly at myself. It is so easy to say “they know I care. I don’t have to go or call or write. ” but how do they know I care unless I say or go or do? Last night my aunt died. I hadn’t seen or talked to Aunt Del in years. Yet she was such an important part of my growing up. Thank you for this post today.
Oh Karen–I’m so sorry that your Aunt died. I’m sad that you are, perhaps, enduring a bit of what I’m thinking about here in this post. Lost opportunities. But I pray we both remember grace and these truths. We can also grow from here to make better decisions, if possible, with our time. This was one of the hardest posts for me, but I felt I had to write it. I truly appreciate your words and visit here. It was painful to be so transparent on this one and I think my heart needed to receive encouragement…
It’s a beautiful, wonderful thing how God uses messages and experiences from many directions to share with you His heart. His call for you to be patient and wait on Him. Hot air balloons look to peaceful as they follow the air currents. It’s what they were made to do. I never considered how much effort it takes to keep them down. But when we act contrary to who we are made to be, there is always resistance. These words are a holy reflection on your feelings and seeking. Thanks for linking with Unforced Rhythms.
That is exactly what I felt him doing over the past week…sending lots of messages in my life circumstances…all with a similar theme. I had not thought of the symbolism of the hot air balloons following the air currents and doing what they were made to do. Perhaps a good writing topic for next week! Thanks for your visit!
Hi Amy,
Oh, sorry to hear about your friend but glad you were able to be friends with her…and yes, patience develops slowly but it does as we learn to yield to the Spirit’s leading…thanks for sharing your thoughts…visiting from Kelli’s blog
Thank you, Dolly. I am looking forward to seeing more growth in this area of yielding and patience!
Dear Amy,
Isn’t it beautiful when God shows us grace in the midst of all our reminders that we don’t deserve it? I am so sorry for the passing of your friend, but I love how in the writing, as you were working it out here in your words.. that He revealed the message of His heart to you. Yes, we make the choices which when we look back we can find reasons to change them, but you had that conversations.. you spent the time when you could… she knew your heart connected with hers. Sometimes when I am lost in the regretting I forget those grace moments that were much more poignant. Praying for you to find a few more of those today.
Blessings,
Dawn
Thank you Dawn. I didn’t even think of those moments as grace moments until I read your note. Thank you for taking the time to write as it helped me to see all of those times I did spend with her as grace moments. Thank yo for opening my eyes a bit more!
Oh, my! This post hit a nerve. It brought tears to my eyes, as I thought how much I needed to read this right now. I am in such a season of waiting before the Lord and so uncertain, and I find that I am NOT patient in my waiting at all. I know God is working, but it is so hard to see that sometimes. I know your dear friend knew how much you loved her, and just think, the next time you visit her, you will be together for eternity…never to part again! What a day that will be! I can’t thank you enough for writing this post…so happy I spotted it on the link-up and clicked over. It was so wonderful to “meet” you. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing your own struggle. I have not given a lot of thought to the idea that we will re-connect in heaven. Thank you for moving me toward that. She was an elderly woman and I hope that when we meet again she will be free from so many troubles and pain that she had here in this life. I’m so glad you came here and that we got to meet!
Powerful as usual, sweet Amy. These thoughts have been on my heart all this year… and I keep asking Jesus to show me what that looks like IRL. Thanks for sharing this. 🙂
I’ll keep asking right along with you! As Cathy pointed out here, life is just busy and we have to trust the Lord in the midst of it. I think that was a great point. Life will always be busy and we do need to prayerfully consider how we are spending our time. But we also need to trust that anything left “undone” is also in the Lord’s hands. God bless…:)
Amy, sorry to hear about the loss of a friend. This is a beautiful post.I read the same quote by Elizabeth Elliot this week & have it written down in my journal. May we take comfort that one day all of our unanswered questions will one day have answers. And in the meantime, may we follow the quiet nudges of our God who truly knows what each day holds. Blessings!
I’m looking forward to the day with you!! Won’t it be amazing!? Hoping for that day and in the One who knows what each day holds as well. Blessings to you…
Hmmm, yes, I also often feel busy and rushed and want to slow down. My desire to homeschool this year was in part due to that feeling… school causes so many rushes and homeschooling we can do at our own pace. Thanks for sharing!
Bonnie–yes–that is one reason I do love homeschooling as well. There seems to be so much busy work associated with school that we drop from our lives when we homeschool. Although we must be careful not to add it in. Thanks for visiting!
Amy, this post stirred a landslide of emotions in my heart. In June a friend wanted to get together and I was so busy I called and put it off a week. A few days after her call she was out doing errands and her heart stopped. She was too long with oxygen and 3 days later they took her off life support. I was crushed. I know how your heart feels and yet sometimes a busy lifestyle is just a fact…there is no other way to juggle things. In my heart I have to just put what I couldn’t get to in the hands of God and drink in every bit of life I can, capturing every frozen moment I can. Sometimes it is the tiny moments that become the greatest most cherished memories. I am praying for you as you continue to trust the Lord’s leading.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking. I do hope that mine did not cause you to question yourself all over again. But I appreciate that you came here and wrote what you did. As I’ve been praying about how I spend my time, I realized something. So much of it, as you point out, is just the way life is. Busyness is a fact. It is good to prayerfully analyze how we’re spending our time and prayerfully think through our choices in how we spend our time. I also need to trust in some biblical truths. As you have said here, I need to put that in the hands of God. I also need to trust that He works all things together in the lives of His people. You may have helped me come up with what to write about this week :). Thank you for just happening upon me this week. Thank you for your prayers and I joyfully return prayers your way. May you continue to heal and be comforted in the loss of your friend.