I’m revisiting the past this week…a post from about one year ago…
The million steps to 35 years ago is literally just a few blocks away.
I live one street over from a house I grew up in. Sometimes I take my children down that dead-end road. We walk down the gravel road where I remember…like yesterday…playing in the puddles with my brother. Running his green Tonka truck through the brown sludge.
It was a dream home for our family. A house in town but in the woods. We could walk to school by taking a trail through the woods. There was also a cave we could hike to. My dad would always stop at a persimmon tree along the way to see if it’s orange fruit was sweet yet. We built log cabins with some neighborhood kids out of fallen trees. I kissed frogs and believed they really might turn into princes. There was a giant rock shaped like an owl. We would outline it with chalk. I remember one time, my sister stepped on a giant thorn near the rock, so owl rock was always tainted in my mind as being a bit dangerous. It went right through her shoe and I can still see the thorn and the mustard yellow sock drenched with red.
We only lived there for about four years but they were my elementary school years. The beginning of my vivid memories. It turns out that these memories are what I think of when I think of my childhood.
So this walk to the old house that I take with my kids every so often…it’s…magical. I’m flooded with all of these memories and more. I cry too because there is some pain in these memories. After four years of living in that house, we had to sell it and move. It was a loss of a dream for my parents and it was a loss of the magical child-world for me.
So I bring my kids back for a taste of it. What is it that I’m searching for? Innocence? A memory? An adventure lost in the woods at the age of 8? My cat…the one I never saw again after moving?
This past weekend my husband had the idea. We’d talked about it for years but have never done it. “Everybody put long pants on!” He announced where we were going and I ran to the basement to grab a box of sidewalk chalk. I stuffed four pieces in my husband’s pants. Two in each pocket.
We parked at the beginning of the gravel road and walked down. My feet settling into indentations where puddles grow. Thoughts of little brother and the Tonka truck. This time we didn’t just walk down the gravel road and back as I’d done since moving back to my hometown eight years ago. This time we went beyond the gravel road. We walked up to the deserted house. We peeked in the windows. I strained my eyes to see things I may have seen as a child and touch things I may have touched. My kids rolled down the hill…just like I did.
I touched the wood on the deck…the same wood I touched as a child. A tear came as I saw the remains of the wood that used to hold up my dad’s herb garden. I’m sure he made it himself. I saw the shape of the rooms, but so much had changed. The paint, the wallpaper, the floors. The one that looked the least changed was the workshop where I remember “working” with my dad. Making the wood curls with the wood shaver. All of the rooms were so much smaller than they seemed as a child. The house itself was rotting on the outside. My husband had warned me that it wouldn’t be good. That the ruins of this house would be shocking for my soul. It was. He made a suggestion that we move on so we did.
We set out to accomplish what we had really came there for. To discover, once again for me and once anew for my kids…owl rock. It felt like Christmas morning to me. To discover, once again, this special place I had only seen in pictures since my childhood.
I knew just where to go. Like the million steps to 35 years ago had vanished. I was there. We tromped over junk. Old fences and appliances and even a refrigerator that was there when we moved in. Crazy how my memory got us back to it. It was so easy. But as I got closer to it, I grew greatly disappointed. It was covered by small trees. And it was almost as if the trees were intentionally grown over it. It wasn’t just brush that could be pulled away. Two to three inch in diameter trees were growing…as if they bent over backwards to make it impossible for me to re-connect with my childhood. I began grabbing them and trying to pull them away. But it was useless. The tree with thorns on the trunk and branches was the first I was to grab. As I pulled it away with frantic force to get to my past, a thorn drug through my finger and the trunk stayed put. Blood ran. Just like on my sister’s sock. I felt a bit rejected by my past. I’ve wondered in the past week, what the Lord might be telling me about looking into my past.
My children couldn’t quite grasp what the excitement of owl rock was all about. They couldn’t quite make out the owl shape. The chalk…stayed inside my husbands pocket. I remained desparate to change the situation, but no change could be made. I took sad pictures of my kids on the tree-covered rock. No longer owl rock.
“I’ll come back up here and clear it out before we come back again,” said my husband. It was a nice thought but, my desire to re-discover owl rock was vanishing quickly.
With less enthusiasm than before, we left the woods and walked into the clearing of my childhood backyard. The kids rolled down the hill while I looked on with a sad heart.
Sometimes…revisiting the past can be thorny. It seems good at the time, but the reality of it can be painful…bloody…soul sickening. Although sad, God is using this wasteland of a once magical place to remind me of some glorious truths about grace. He renews me…even in this place.
The same week that I experienced this disappointment of the owl rock overgrowth, I experienced the reality of an overgrowth of disappointment and pain on my own heart over a matter of the past. Stuff that happened, not 35 years ago, but more recently. A long drawn out battle that keeps waging against me and rearing it’s ugly head. Some of the most disappointing circumstances in my life have happened within the past year.
What do we do with these past experiences? Ones we either willingly revisit or ones that require us to revisit them? Sometimes it’s both. We are forced to revisit it and, perhaps, we stay too long when the Lord clearly tells us to not dwell on certain aspects of it. Or we willingly visit (innocently or not) thorny places that we didn’t realize how dangerous they were. Or we sinfully dwell on a conversation or gossip about a situation. We tell our story…bring it up again…to be sure others know what really happened. The bloody battles…like thorns that pierce us. If I had my choice, I’d choose to run away from this one. I’d choose not to peek into the windows to try to find something to remember because I don’t want to remember. Yet in the midst of this past trial and the memories of it and the continuing saga…I am tempted. I am tempted toward gossip, defending, anger, bitterness, worry, control, vengeance and even…distrusting God.
Sometimes we innocently revisit the past with joy and find that it isn’t as sweet of a place to revisit as we thought.
Sometimes the past is sinfully revisited and we find that it sours our soul.
Sometimes the past is thrust upon us and we can’t seem to get away from it. It pierces our soul and bleeds us dry.
Sometimes, it’s a surprising mixture of all these things.
And in all these things, we must turn toward the Lord:
If we are sad, turn toward Him.
If we are bitter, turn toward Him. If angered, turn toward Him. If feeling anxiety, turn toward Him. If distrusting, turn toward Him.
If we are tortured, turn toward Him.
There is no twelve step program. Can we really manage the sin and pain? Is there any way to keep these times from coming?
I don’t think so. But we can live the surprisingly abundant life that the Lord provides in the midst of it all.
The solution is to turn toward Him.
To simply (not always easily) turn toward Him in prayer and repentance (if needed) is the answer. To be reminded of who He is and who we are in Him through His Word is the answer.
In all of these situations, I find these verses to be helpful, convicting and comforting…
1 Peter 5:6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Linking up this week with the following inspiring and encouraging blogs. I highly recommend visiting any and all of them!
I love this post.
Sorry. Hit enter too soon. I loved this post when I read it last year and still love it this year. I can almost picture you (a Ruthie clone) curling the wood with your dad in the shop.
Hi Stevyn…thanks for visiting all the way from Australia and encouraging! I did look so much like Ruthie way back then. We are alike in so many ways!
Thank you for re-visiting this post! The wistfulness makes me sad, but your willingness to hand the past over to God is so inspiring and helpful. Glad to be your neighbor today at SDG.
Hi Michele…thank you for visiting my past with me! God bless your past, present and future…
Yes, the past, thorny sometimes, mixed in along with the good. It always makes me wonder what my kids will remember – what joys and what sorrows will strike them most. Thanks for sharing and linking with #SmallWonder.
I have that thought too, Kelly. What will my kids remember? That thought makes me want to be intentional for the future. Thanks for visiting and for your linkup!
You are such an amazing storyteller! And every story always has a great message. I dwell on my past sometimes…I wish that I could go back in time and change a few things. I wonder, I ruminate, I let thoughts of yesteryear consume me. I know it’s not healthy, though, but rather than belittle myself, I try and just be glad that I recognize what I’m doing. Thank you for bring this old post out again for us to read. I loved it.
Laura-thanks so much for encouraging and visiting me! This recognizing and redirecting our thoughts — it is part of the beautiful life in Christ, isn’t it? There is no belittling needed–only beauty for us to behold as Jesus works in our minds and hearts. God bless you as you continue to turn once again to Him!!!
Hi Amy,
I’m your neighbor today at Holley’s! Visiting the past can be so bittersweet, can’t it? But there’s so much to reflect and learn from in those memories! How lovely that you are still close to where your memories originated! Enjoyed these words today!
Valerie-this house has been for sale for a year now and my children love going back there. So I have had much opportunity to revisit the memories and to reflect more on this. You are right–it is lovely! Thanks for visiting and encouraging!
Memories are amazing at how real they are, and then when our reality meets our memory it is almost overwhelming. I feel that, at times when I project my want in place of His will. What I want to happen and HOW He meets my need can sometimes be a different picture. And to be honest, I don’t always know what to do with that, but your words here… turn to God in all of it, that is the answer, isn’t it?
Praying for you to feel His grace in the areas where the trial has left your heart hurting. Thanks for sharing such a relevant truth today!
Blessings,
Dawn
Thanks for your prayer! Yesterday my daughter asked me to drive her down the road to this house. I sat in the driveway and I sensed how much the Lord has healed my heart over the past year. Without the past, our hearts would not know the precious healing the Lord offers. Thanks for visiting and encouraging!
Love this. What precious memories and that house is still beautiful. I’ve gone back but our old house and my grandmother’s are gone. I would love to have gone back and found them even with the hurts.
Yes–even though the house is falling apart, I still do find it beautiful. My daughter does too. It is for sale now and her Christmas wish last year was for us to get it! I do appreciate being able to go back here. Even yesterday my daughter asked me to take her to it. The week I re-posted this. There is something haunting and painful but also beautiful about being able to go back.
I hear the love woven into your words. I would love to go back to the house I grew up in. It’s in a different state and others are living there, but the pull of the fresh spring in the “woods” behind the house, the rhododenderon bushes and the grape vines we would swing on. All those memories came flooding back as I read your post.
I wonder if our desire to go back is fueled by a love for that child we used to be. I pray your memories are blessed ones!!
Stopping in from Thought Provoking Thursday. I think of the past sometimes, I’d like to show my daughter where I came from (literally) but not much remains. Just the people. It’s the memories that count and what you do with them.
Well…maybe it is the people we are searching for in our desire to go back anyway. May your memories bless you! Thanks for the visit!
Such wisdom in this, Amy. May we revisit the past, taking the good, letting go of the bad & asking the Lord to bring healing. Blessings!
The Lord is definitely showing me things through revisiting the past. May He do the same for you, Joanne! Thanks for the visit!
This is beautiful, Amy. Makes me yearn for “home” in Kansas, especially that house of our Elementary school days. Our hideout in the trees. Catching minnows in the creek. Working cattle in the feedlot.
But I know each time I go home, there are some thorny bits. Things have grown over. Changed. My carefree heart is now battling the weight of this world.
But Jesus always lifts me back up. Thanks for this much-welcome trip to the past. It was wonderful.
Your childhood home and life sounds as sweet as mine was. I think you hit the nail on the head. because your words brought some tears. “My carefree heart is now battling the weight of this world. I think I want to go back and tell the little girl some things and give her a hug. May you always find some joy and healing as you revisit the past.
I truly dislike revisiting the past, but God is calling me back there in my memories for some healing. I would rather just run away, but this post reminds me that I need to just keep pressing in – no matter what emotion I might be feeling. This post reminded me of Abby’s post this week. Did you read it? Here’s the link: http://www.abigailalleman.com/2015/05/days-of-grief-and-god-is-enough.html
Thanks for sharing this post by Abby. “I come because I’m made for him. I come because no matter what this life brings, this is the only place I am truly loved, known, cared for, embraced, delighted in, fought for, guarded, guided, strengthened, prepared and much more.” I can come to Him as I face the past, present and future because of the above. Yes. As you walk…or run…toward the future…I pray you will sense His guidance, protection, strengthening and much more! Thanks for visiting….
Amy, thank you for encouraging me to “turn toward Him” when I revisit my own past. Beautiful words, sweet friend!
Kim Stewart
http://www.kimstewartinspired.com
Thank you for visiting and encouraging me today!
You paint such a beautiful picture when you write, Amy! Your words were needed today. I find myself looking back more than I’d care to lately. I can identify with these words:
“Sometimes the past is thrust upon us and we can’t seem to get away from it. It pierces our soul and bleeds us dry.”
Your encouragement to “turn towards Him” is one I know with my mind, but have been battling with my heart. I needed this encouragement today. Thank you for obeying the Lord’s prompt to revisit the past. He has used your experience to soften my heart, and for that I am very grateful!
Tina–Hi–thanks for visiting and sharing a bit of your own struggle to turn towards Him. I do believe that this turning toward Him is, perhaps THE thing we are learning to do better and better as we live our lives in Christ. It is the answer for every loss, broken moment and sin. It is beautiful when we do it. May we do this more and more! I pray this morning that the Lord would continue to soften you in the moments that you’re struggling to turn. I pray that for me too! Thanks for your encouragement…
I really enjoyed this! I felt carried through your memories. Thank you for a beautiful reflection. I could relate to so much of what you said, and I needed to hear it as I keep revisiting a thorn from a year ago that I guess I’m still processing in some ways. A painful betrayal. I shall tweet and pin this. Great subject! Coming to you from “Espressos of Faith” via #ChristianMommyBlogger!
Hi Bonnie—thanks for sharing your thoughts on this and encouragement! I pray that you will find healing from the thorn and that you will continue to turn toward our Lord with each memory and recalling of the betrayal…
What a beautiful, touching post. I teared up reading it.
Thank you for re-sharing it so those of us who are newer to your blog could read it!
Thanks for linking up with Grace & Truth this week.
God bless!
Hi Jenn—thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts! I’m so glad it touched you! I figured it was just me who teared up when I read this!